To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question.
Within the article Forgiveness: is it God’s or humanity’s job?, I noted:
The importance of forgiveness is generally affirmed by humanity from the most fundamentalist theist to the most fundamentalist atheist.
Wyatt Fisher, Psy.D. elucidates the following in his article, Unforgiveness: 5 Ways to Reverse It Today:
Without forgiveness, we can never achieve true intimacy…Apologies left unsaid and pain left unhealed can totally destroy the fellowship…Soon we find ourselves running away from one another instead of confiding…we need to learn to forgive…
Of course, even those who do not ever seem to apologize end up forgiving themselves lest they not be able to live with themselves. Of course, the only person we should never forgive is the person who has hurt us the most, lied to us the most, broke promises to us the most, let us down the most, stabbed us in the back the most, etc. and that person is ourselves. According to the world self-forgiveness is essential yet, according to the Judeo-Christian worldview theology self-forgiveness is deleterious and not forgiving ourselves is essential. This is because, “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death” (2nd Corinthians 7:10). The godly sorrow of regrets about our wrongdoings is that which brings us to repentance. The world offers despair and depression and/or medication and emotional band-aids.
I also noted:
Some people argue that the Christian doctrine of forgiveness—that it is God who, ultimately, forgives us and does so through Jesus’ sacrifice—is illogical, if not immoral. They point out that, for example, if person A punches person B for no reason, person A cannot then go to person C and ask person C to forgive them for punching person B. Rather, person A must ask person B for forgiveness. On the surface; this is an airtight argument, it makes sense, it is perfectly logical and reasonable.
Yet, there is a flaw that is flawed enough to discredit it and also to guarantee that, even though we affirm the importance of forgiveness; will all remain un-forgiven—guaranteed.
You can read my article for the argument and conclusion. What I wanted to do herein is to glean some key points from Wyatt Fisher five points (please do read his whole article for a much fuller explanation):
1 – Understand Their Past
…think about the kind of life the other person has had…It’s difficult to grow up with one example of adulthood and try to develop a different one when we are of age…2 – Understand Their Present
…When life gets crazy and we are tired (or even just “hungry”), many of us might just be an inch away from losing it altogether…What one person thinks is non-stressful could feel like trying to find a job in a recession for someone else…
This reminded me of how the boss mistreats us, so we get upset and cut someone off on the highway. So they get upset and kick the dog. So the dog gets upset and bites the mailman. So the mailman gets upset and…round and round it goes, one person to the next until—all of it ends up in the Middle East! Wyatt Fisher calls this the “butterfly effect.”
3 – Understand Your Part
It’s our nature to avoid blame…It’s simply easier to admit that someone else has worse faults than we do…This is not to say that someone else’s actions were your fault, but you may have contributed in some way…Leaving the blame solely with the other person is one of the easiest ways to destroy the relationship…4 – Understand Your Past
…the regular responses we have for day-to-day occurrences might not be the best responses for each situation…It’s hard to reconcile things in our past with the present issue of being hurt by someone…Wounds in your past might be making you behave negatively, which can only make a hurtful situation worse…5 – Remember Your Brokenness
…Maybe today someone close to you hurt you, but tomorrow those roles could be reversed. Instead of holding forgiveness back, think of our common brokenness and give forgiveness willingly…We are each responsible for our own actions, and sadly, none of us seem to be able to get through life without hurting at least a few people…Our human nature wants to dwell on how hurt we feel and demand recompense – forgiveness is rarely the first thing we think of after a fight…
Whichever way we look at it; the need for forgiveness, in both directions, appears to be built into humanity and is thus, an essential part of relationship.
For another aspect of this issue, see: Forgiveness: is it God’s or humanity’s job?